Being special and clever

I have explained to my brother how I am not a real adult, because I don't do X, Y, and Z. I am basically pretty often worried that someone is going to realise I am not a real adult, when they catch me out not knowing something that even stupid people manage to do, but not me, because I'm not a real adult.

It occurred to me last night that a lot of confident people are actually confident inside, and it's not just a show they put on. It honestly hadn't occurred to me that there are people in the world who do not have crippling social anxiety, who do not feel a profound sense of worthlessness on a pretty frequent basis.

So basically there are periods of my life that go like this - I fuck up. And the reason I fucked up is because I'm essentially worthless. I feel guilty about this. I remind myself that objectively, I'm actually not worthless, and that I'm just fallible like everyone else, and that it's not productive to be beating myself up so maybe I should just try to love myself and deal with shit.

Then! I remember that in fact, I AM more fundamentally flawed than everyone else, I AM squandering my life, I AM deeply lacking some quality that human beings should have. Because, see, I'm SPECIAL. Unlike all the other people who feel worthless sometimes, I am special, because I actually AM worthless!

And yes, my brain tells me, you do feel that way, but has it occurred to you that other people feel that second level of worthlessness too? Well, of course, but I'm SPECIAL, and I ACTUALLY AM!

It is pretty amazing being this special, I can't begin to tell you.

Anyway, there are lots of things that trigger these awesome feelings, only some of them contingent in my general mood at the time.

For instance, signing things when I am already feeling pretty low, can either make me anxious and jumpy, or drive me almost to tears. I am not an adult. I cannot sign things. What if I fuck it up? Oh god I don't think I did that right, and now I'm going to be convicted of I DON'T EVEN KNOW, some adult crime that has to do with forms and identity cards and shit, because I didn't sign it right. PUTTING MY SIGNATURE ON A PIECE OF PAPER CAN DRIVE ME TO TEARS. YES.

It occurred to me that my life is pretty stagnant, when you look at it from a year-to-year basis. When you frame it like that. Actually I am doing things and achieving things and enjoying myself in various ways, just not as well as I'd like to. Because I'm a perfectionist. The thing is, when I was a perfectionist when I was ten, this led to extreme amounts of anxiety re: my school performance, but I was actually smart and good at things and got top grades. One of the big THINGS I had to deal with with COMING OF AGE was that, from when I was about fourteen, I just... wasn't smart anymore. I'm not that smart. I'm not that special. And when BEING SMART is your THING when you're ten, and all of a sudden you realise you're just... not... well, that is hurtful and confusing.

Anyway. I'm still a perfectionist, but with like, constant failing, and feeling like I'm being really presumptuous to have that personality trait (... as if I picked it out? WHAT?!) because obviously only smart people who actually do well should be allowed to be all picky about what's good enough in their personal performance. Yeah, I don't know either, okay?

Short version: I feel bad sometimes, and am unable to put it in perspective subjectively. Sometimes I tell myself that this is really because objectively, I actually AM all the things that everyone else only THINKS they are. It's pretty stupid.

And that is my stupid brain.